The Scene: In the car with my three small kids (the big kid, age 8, the medium kid, age 6 and the pipsqueak, age 3) traveling 65 mph down a five-lane freeway. Left the house ten minutes earlier, after feeding kids a snack and insisting they all “go potty.” Begin scene.
Pipsqueak: Mommy? What was dat?
Me: What was what?
Pipsqueak: Dat ting back dere?
Me: What thing back there?
Medium Kid: Moooommmmmmeeeeeeeee!
Pipsqueak (getting upset): Dat ting!
Big Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Why did the man have to get his butt fixed?
Me: What thing, buddy?? Was it a road sign? A truck?
Pipsqueak (wailing): Nooooooo! Dat ting back dere!
Medium Kid: Moooomeeeeeeeee?!? Can I have a gumball?
Me: No! No gumball. Buddy, I don’t know what you saw back there. Can you describe it?
Big Kid: Mommy! Guess!?
Me: Guess? Guess What?
Big Kid: Why the man had to get his butt fixed!!
Pipsqueak: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… I wanna gumball too!
Me: No! We just had a snack and I don’t even have gumballs!
Medium Kid: Pleeeeaaase?
Me: No! Stop asking!
Big Kid: Mommy?! Give up?
Pipsqueak (crying): Why does she get a gumball!? No fair – waaaaaaaaaaaa….
Big Kid: He had to get it fixed because it had a crack in it! Get it, Mommy? His butt had a crack in it?
Medium Kid (whispering to her big sister): Ask Mommy if we can have a gumball…
Me: No! No gumball! Stop asking or there will be big trouble! Do you hear me? Big, huge, trouble! Don’t even say the word gumball! Do you hear me?
Justin Bieber (on the radio): Baby, baby, baby… ooooohhh… baby….
Pipsqueak: Turn up Mommy! It’s Jussin Beaver (Author’s note: It’s tempting, but I not gonna touch this one)
Big Kid: Mommy? I have to go potty!
Me: We just left the house and I asked you to go then!
Big Kid: I know, but I didn’t have to go then.
Me (with more-than-necessary sarcasm): Well, guess what, girlfriend? Put a cork in it!
Pipsqueak (sobbing): Waaaaaaaa – what was dat ting?
Medium Kid: But why can’t we have just one gumball?
Me: WHAT. DID. I. SAY!!??!!
Medium Kid: Mommy?
Me: What?? Whaaaaaaaaat?
Medium Kid: Um. Can I have a Lifesaver?