The Scene: In the car with my three small kids (the big kid, age 8, the medium kid, age 6 and the pipsqueak, age 3) traveling 65 mph down a five-lane freeway. Left the house ten minutes earlier, after feeding kids a snack and insisting they all “go potty.” Begin scene.

Pipsqueak: Mommy? What was dat?

Me: What was what?

Pipsqueak: Dat ting back dere?

Me: What thing back there?

Medium Kid: Moooommmmmmeeeeeeeee!

Pipsqueak (getting upset): Dat ting!

Big Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Why did the man have to get his butt fixed?

Me: What thing, buddy?? Was it a road sign? A truck?

Pipsqueak (wailing): Nooooooo! Dat ting back dere!

Medium Kid: Moooomeeeeeeeee?!? Can I have a gumball?

Me: No! No gumball. Buddy, I don’t know what you saw back there. Can you describe it?

Big Kid: Mommy! Guess!?

Me: Guess? Guess What?

Big Kid: Why the man had to get his butt fixed!!

Pipsqueak: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… I wanna gumball too!

Me: No! We just had a snack and I don’t even have gumballs!

Medium Kid: Pleeeeaaase?

Me: No! Stop asking!

Big Kid: Mommy?! Give up?

Pipsqueak (crying): Why does she get a gumball!? No fair – waaaaaaaaaaaa….

Big Kid: He had to get it fixed because it had a crack in it! Get it, Mommy? His butt had a crack in it?

Medium Kid (whispering to her big sister): Ask Mommy if we can have a gumball…

Me: No! No gumball! Stop asking or there will be big trouble! Do you hear me? Big, huge, trouble! Don’t even say the word gumball! Do you hear me?

Justin Bieber (on the radio): Baby, baby, baby… ooooohhh… baby….

Pipsqueak: Turn up Mommy! It’s Jussin Beaver (Author’s note: It’s tempting, but I not gonna touch this one)

Big Kid: Mommy? I have to go potty!

Me: We just left the house and I asked you to go then!

Big Kid: I know, but I didn’t have to go then.

Me (with more-than-necessary sarcasm): Well, guess what, girlfriend? Put a cork in it!

Pipsqueak (sobbing): Waaaaaaaa – what was dat ting?

Medium Kid: But why can’t we have just one gumball?

Me: WHAT. DID. I. SAY!!??!!

[Silence]

Medium Kid: Mommy?

Me: What?? Whaaaaaaaaat?

Medium Kid: Um. Can I have a Lifesaver?